Let’s ring in the new year with terror! Behold this leathery creature… It’s Donatella Versace from the Black Lagoon!

See, you don’t have to be fat and in swimwear to horrify people. Skinny people can do it just as well.

Is there any better advertisement against tanning?

So Don Cheadle has a new movie out. Out of sheer boredom I clicked on an interview with him on MSNBC. In that interview, two answers shocked me.

You were on the “Golden Girls” spinoff, “The Golden Palace.” Can we say it? Betty White’s a bitch, right?
Yes, she’s only angelic in every other thing you see her in, but on the show she was completely evil. Made out of evil.

Did you ever try playing “Password” with her?
No, I hit on her. I wasn’t married yet. I wanted to take her out, but the May-December thing wasn’t her thing.

Cheadle’s joking right? Betty White is evil? I never, ever imagined it. I could see it now that it has been suggested, but still I find it hard to reconcile. Oh and can you imagine Betty White dating Don Cheadle? He couldn’t have been more than 30 when he was on The Golden Palace. He wanted to date her? She wasn’t a hot old lady. She was just an old lady! This interview has got to be a joke.

Alex Trebek is synonymous with Jeopardy. He’s been the host of that game show for as long as I can remember. For all I know he’s been hosting since the show began. The thing is…I can’t think of anything else he has done. Can you? I know he’s had some bit parts, but they all play off his Jeopardy fame. But what did he do to get that show? Seems like one day God formed Trebek from clay and charged him with hosting a new game show.

Well to my astonishment I actually found pre-Jeopardy Alex Trebek footage. I feel like I glimpsed a moment before the Big Bang.

Sorry I couldn’t record the whole game show. I only stopped on Game Show Network because I saw the name “Double Dare”. I was all set to travel down memory lane with Marc Summers and green slime, but instead I got this show. I spent about a minute watching in quiet astonishment before I bolted up to my room to record what I could.

I can think of one person who will complain about this so I might as well come out and say it. I am aware the video loses sync when the show comes back from commercial. That’s probably because I chopped the commercials out. No, it is not worth my time to fix the sync. Just enjoy it for what it is; a chance to see Alex Trebek with some ridiculous 70′s hair.

I learned a new word – bromance! I must thank MTV for this new nugget of knowledge. They are giving a reality show to some guy from The Hills named Brody Jenner. Yeah, I have no idea who he is either. Anyway his Bachelor-style search for a new member of his entourage will be named Bromance. That sounds comically gay doesn’t it? Don’t think so? Check out this description from the Hollywood reporter.

Along the way, contestants will be whittled down via “Hot Tub Elimination Ceremonies” after which rejected “bros” will be asked to leave the bachelor pad dripping wet in a swimsuit, luggage in hand. Bringing to mind various dating reality shows, contestants also will have shots at a “group date” and “alone time” with Jenner in every episode.

Hot Tub Elimination Ceremonies? Oh yeah, nothing gay about that. Geez, it’s as if the show was designed to spread a rumor that Brody Jenner is gay. Wait, is he? I don’t know who this guy is.

But this ridiculousness only got me reading more about what a “bromance” means. From the context I assumed it meant a friendship between two straight guys who are so close they may appear to be in a gay relationship. Some people seem to take the definition far more seriously. Sociology academics are actually devoting research to this. I can’t say I agree with their conclusions. Some of these experts are saying these close male friendships can “be explained by the delay in major life milestones”. Because guys are getting married and living on their own later in life, they’re bonding more. But doesn’t this imply that men in the past didn’t have close friendships? That’s bogus. Married men found time to hang out and fish or hunt or work on cars or [insert male stereotype]. If they didn’t why would wives complaining about that be a cultural touchstone?

The only thing new here is the word bromance. Back in the 90′s, Seinfeld introduced the term “man crush”. I guess this generation needed a new word. It’s all retarded though. These are just terms that sexualize friendship. This is going to make me sound really old, but I’ll say it anyway. Society is obsessed with sex. We’re at the point where the collective ‘we’ cannot understand a close friendship unless it’s described in terms of a sexual relationship. Describing two men as “close friends” only leads to raised eyebrows and gay jokes. Then words like bromance have to be invented so we can concisely express that. I find this very childish. I’d like to think this will all recede in the coming years, but I have no reason to believe that. Damn kids. *Shakes cane*

Years ago a friend gave me a keychain that said “I likes em big!” It was as true then as it is today.

I was having my mental dessert, reading through some gossip blogs, when a link took me to a picture of Stacy Dash. That’s 42 year old Stacy Dash. Forget about saying she’s hot for a 42 year old. She’s hot period. Where did she disappear to? I remember her so well from Clueless and thinking how much better looking she was than Alicia Silverstone. I never understood why her career didn’t take off. She was just stunning back then, and I didn’t even know about her bubble butt. If I saw that back in the 90s I so would have been one of those creepy stalker fans.

Just look at that butt. I likes ‘em big indeed.

Okay I have to preface this by saying I don’t know how true this is, because this news is pretty damn stunning. I shouldn’t pussyfoot around this, so I’ll blurt it out. Tyra Banks may have crapped her pants. Jesus Christ, I can’t stop laughing now that I wrote that. I can’t imagine anything that could destroy a person’s dignity more than crapping their pants.

Here’s the full story. Fabian Basabe, who you can generously describe as a freelance entertainment commentator, was attending Fashion Week in New York. While he was about to conduct an interview in some backstage tent, Tyra Banks’s entourage burst in and commandeered the tent because, in Basabe’s words, “Tyra Banks messed herself and needed to change.”

I am a still laughing at the thought. Crapping one’s pants is horribly traumatic for yourself, but hilarious for everyone else. I’m still left with some questions though. As Basabe asked, why did they have a change of clothes ready for Tyra? Did she routinely crap herself? I think I can come up with a plausible explanation. Tyra was visiting Fashion Week, a very public, camera-laden place. They probably bring spare clothes in case of a more mundane accident such as spilling wine, etc.

My problem with this story is the way Tyra’s attendants took over Basabe’s tent. Did they burst in and declare that Tyra poo-ed herself? Did they come in and say she messed herself, while putting airquotes around ‘messed’? Common sense would tell anyone to be discrete about a bowel accident. Perhaps Tyra really did foul her panties but I don’t believe this could be a consistent problem. If it was her people would know how to take care of it quietly. The level of panic Basabe described points to this being some freak accident, which I guess is what pooping yourself should always be.

Under doctor’s advice, Dolly Parton will be postponing her tour for six to eight weeks. Dolly’s doctors (Actually, should that be plural? Did she really need to see more than one doctor for this?) told her, her breasts have been putting strain on her back. Or as she explained to the media, “Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don’t have back problems.” Don’t you just love that she refers to her own breasts as puppies?

By the way, doesn’t she look great? She’s 62 years old and I would totally hook up with her if I had the chance. Now to be honest a good portion of that desire is in those puppies, but hey it’s not 100%.

I must take exception with her doctors though. Her breasts are not causing the back pain. Her weak spine is not properly supporting the weight of her fabulous breasts. Puppies are never to blame. It doesn’t matter if those puppies are the canine variety or the hooter variety. In both cases, they are always wonderful and shouldn’t be blamed for anything.

So really it’s that damn weak spine that’s at fault. We, as a nation, need to remedy this; Not just for Dolly but for all women. I don’t want women to suffer for having great breasts. That’s why I call upon science and government to unite on a genetic “Manhattan Project” that would find a way to alter women’s genes to strengthen the spine and back muscles. Finally all that money spent on the Human Genome Project can be put to something good.

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Oh jeez, oh man, Page Six has rocked me to my core. Their groundbreaking investigation has discovered an anonymous source who claims Tila Tequila, star of MTV’s Shot at Love, is not actually bi. My very world has been shattered. How will I ever have faith in anything again? After hearing this sort of revelation I am so disillusioned I am even doubting Tequila is her real last name. No! I must stop thinking that. Everyone needs to have some core beliefs to build their life around.

Okay seriously now, who didn’t know this from the start? Is there actually a human being so obtuse that this counts as gossip to them? The girl who is famous for being trampy on the Internet has a bogus reality show. It’s almost too obvious to be believable.

The only reason I’m actually bothering to write about this is a quote from Page Six’s source. They said, “Tila has and has had a boyfriend for over a year, and she’s not really bi. She’s made out with some girls in her past, as all girls have, but she is not bi at all.”

Uhmmm… as all girls have? Really? This has me reflecting on my past. Thinking back to all the girls I’ve known…high school…college…post-college…I can’t think of one who has made out with other girls. I guess my luck was spent on finding the tiny subset of women who haven’t fooled around with other women instead of winning the lottery. Well played God.

You hate me now don’t you? Well I hate myself a little too.

The real sicko here is the person who painted the topless portrait of Bea Arthur in the first place. Don’t worry, I will not be posting a picture of it here. If I did I would feel dirty every time I visited and would just end up abandoning this blog. If you have a strong constitution you can view it here.

I also feel a little behind culturally. I had no idea The Golden Girls was beloved by gays. Apparently it is as Rue McClanahan’s book signing brought them in droves. I remember watching the show when it was new. That was family viewing. My mom and my brother would gather around the TV and we would all enjoy some old lady adventures. Looking back though it seems so inappropriate for the child I was back then. Blanche was all about sex and some of the comic insults really sound vicious. I wonder if we knew back then the show had this gay following our opinions of it would have changed.

Holy crap! This is the most atrocious hiring consideration ever. Rosie O’Donnell is rumored to want to host The Price Is Right when Bob Barker retires. For some strange reason the show’s producers are actually considering this.

The soon-to-retire Bob Barker is dead set against it and what a relief that is. I can’t believe anyone would think this is a good idea. Rosie is so abrasive. No way will the audience love her. If she gets that hosting job The Price Is Right is over. The only reason that show has lasted this long is Bob Barker. He’s the kindly old man everyone trusts.

The Rosie that existed on her daytime talk show could have done it. That persona, while I found it annoying and probably would have killed the show for me, was likable to the general public. I can’t imagine how she would act on stage now. She would probably be crazier than the contestants. Barker was a calming influence. Contestants are scared and nervous when they get called. He soothed them so they could have a decent shot at winning. There is nothing about Rosie that could soothe. If she gets picked it will be the death of that game show institution.