Whenever I run out of cold cuts at home and I can’t bring a sandwich to work, I drop by the Jack in the Box that’s just a block away. On my last trip I gave the new Sirloin Steak Melt a try. I had high hopes. I’ve eaten those Sirloin burgers already and I hold them in high regard.

As an idea the Sirloin Steak Melt hits a lot of the right buttons. Jack’s ad campaign has already placed “sirloin” as a sort of premium cut of meat, somehow set above standard burger fare. “Steak” didn’t need an ad to get people thinking it’s good. Saying that you’re eating steak in your meal already gives it a premium feel. Finally that “melt”, at least in my mind, harkens back to the diners of the 1950s. That’s the golden age of this fatty food and by recalling that period people will think this burger is somehow authentic to that period.

So as I said I had high hopes when I bought this. The reality was downright shocking. I understand a melt, by definition, is swimming in melted cheese, but there wasn’t enough steak in my melt to bind it all together. The meat-to-cheese proportion was off. When I picked it up, it was a soupy concoction that was impossible to keep stable in my hands. To eat it I had to hunch over my desk, take a quick bite and immediately place the melt down on the wrapper so the cheese wouldn’t leak out. An even bigger flaw is the choice of bread. Those thin slices cannot handle the melted cheese and steak grease. Even after I was so careful, the melt still fell apart. I had to scrape the remains off my wrapper to eat.

But the messiness isn’t even the worst part of it. The Sirloin Steak Melt just didn’t taste all that good. There was just too much grease. This would be vastly improved if the cooks let the meat drip on a rack for 30 seconds after taking it off the griddle. Plus the steak pieces were tough and rubbery. We’ve all had bad steak at some point. No one wants to put up with that. Anything else at Jack in the Box is better. I’ve had this once and will not again.

A long time ago I planned to write down my comparison of some new jalapeno topped burgers offered by Wendy’s and Carl’s Jr. I ate these burgers, took pictures, and then promptly forgot about my idea. Fortunately today the office’s server seems to be down so I can’t do any work. Gotta kill time somehow.

The Wendy’s 1/2-lb Jalapeno Cheddar Double Melt was the first one I tried. I didn’t really plan it. One hungry, lazy night I dropped by Wendy’s on the way home from work. I was in the drive-thru when I suddenly remembered those delicious commercials for the burger. It was only that freak of memory that prompted me because there was absolutely zero signage promoting the burger. If you didn’t see the commercials you would never know it existed. Of course I had no idea what the official name was. I had to ask, “Hey, do you still sell that jalapeno burger?”

What began as excitement for trying out a new burger became dread as I unwrapped it. What an unsightly lump of greasy beef! I’m old enough to know that the burgers in commercials never resemble what’s made in real life, but this isn’t a matter of poor resemblance. They look nothing alike. The burger I received was this moist, squished assemblage. But I persevered because looks can be deceiving and I had nothing else to eat for dinner anyway.

I am by no means a picky eater when it comes to hamburgers, but even my easy going palate could not accept this. The burger was just too greasy. It was as if the preparer put together my burger, dipped the whole thing into the fry grease and wrapped it up for me. Another questionable thing was the cheddar. The commercials show whole slices of cheddar, but that’s not what I received. My burger had this liquid cheddar on it that soaked into the burger patties. You would think that would taste good, but it actually created an unpleasant texture. Now perhaps my whole cheddar slices melted in the heat. That could be but even the cheese that dripped off never cooled down into a solid piece. Through this sloppy mess I had difficulty in actually tasting the jalapenos, but I could feel their spicy heat after I got halfway through the burger.

VERDICT: Disgusting. I haven’t eaten it since and I don’t intend to. The burger’s spiciness was fine but I’m not going to pay money for a grease-soaked cheeseball.

It was only after this experience that I noticed Carl’s Jr. also sold a jalapeno burger. About a week or two later I bought one because I still liked the idea of a spicy hamburger. So I bought the Jalapeno Six Dollar Burger. That’s an important difference because there is a regular Jalapeno Burger on the menu. I’ll talk more about that later.

Like all the Six Dollar Burger variations you get a really thick burger patty. That’s a great template to start with. That alone is a very satisfying meal. The “Santa Fe Sauce” makes it a very messy meal though, so don’t remove the wrapping paper until you have to. My only objection is the lack of kick. This is a weak jalapeno burger. I ate the whole thing and at the end I only felt the tiniest hint of spicy heat on my tongue.

VERDICT: Not worth your time. The burger is tasty and filling but when you buy a jalapeno burger you expect a spicy experience. You simply don’t get it with this. Carl’s Jr. should stop skimping and double the amount of jalapenos placed on the burger.

This brings me to the regular jalapeno burger at Carl’s Jr. I ordered this quite by accident. Since the Jalapeno Six Dollar Burger lacked any kick, and seemed inefficient calorie-wise, I never got into the habit of eating it. The Jalapeno Six Dollar Burger has 1010 calories, while the Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger provides 970 calories. The Double Western has two beef patties though. So why wouldn’t I order that and eat more meat for fewer calories? Eventually though I got bored with the Double Western. Just a few days ago I went back and picked, almost out of desperation for a decision since I was at the counter, the jalapeno burger. By now I had forgotten about the difference between the two types.

I gotta say it was a good choice. It was not a mess like that disgusting Wendy’s burger. It’s only a single patty, which is thinner than the Six Dollar version but it’s still quite filling, with a hint of heat. Still not enough for my liking but it seemed stronger than with the Six Dollar version I tried first. Perhaps that thick patty dilutes the spiciness. Better yet it comes in at 720 calories and I’ll bet you can cut that even more if you leave off the unnecessary Santa Fe Sauce. This one is the winner.

I used to read Time as a child but I outgrew the magazine. I haven’t read a copy in years. Recently though I did stumble across an interesting photo essay on their website. “What the World Eats” takes 15 snapshots of families around the world with their typical diet for a week. Rather than steal of all Time’s pictures, just click along with my commentary below.

1. Japan: The Ukita Family

What jumps out at me in this picture is the lack of color in most of their food. The fruits and vegetables to the left are a small punch of color but everything else is so pale. That one bottle of soda in the center is yellow (are they drinking pineapple soda?). The large amount of fish is so pale they blend in with their styrofoam trays. Even the packaging is pale. There’s lots of white bags or clear bags. That pancake mix seems to be the only container using bright colors. I don’t know what this lack of color says about Japan, but it sure stuck out in my mind.

I don’t really care for this diet either. I don’t like fish or all those super salty (even briny) packaged snacks I see too. I’ve tried Asian snacks before like shrimp chips, fish jerky and even packaged slices of seaweed and never liked it. That seaweed was like a punch to the face. I would like to visit Japan but I couldn’t live there with that kind of food.

2. Italy: The Manzo Family

No Atkins for Italy! Look at all that bread! The Manzo’s go through 11 loaves in a week. I’m surprised at how little meat there is though. They have a big array of fruits, including more persimmons than I have ever seen in a person’s house, but barely any meat. I think they have some sausages and another cut of meat I can’t identify but it looks like only enough for two meals.

3. Chad: The Aboubakar Family

I wish I could save this one for the end because it’s the most shocking to my fat American palate. You have a sack of rice, a sack of brown beans and a sack of green beans. Not much variety in this diet. It’s hard to believe this is what six people live on for a week. It looks like they have a few random vegetables in front. No doubt this is the tiny bit of variety in their diets. This wins the most depressing diet award. Although I do find it interesting to see you can buy 3 large sacks of food for about a dollar in Chad.

4. Kuwait: The Al Haggan Family

Okay what jumps out at me here isn’t even the food. That kitchen is so strange to me. The floor is fine. It resembles the travertine tiles you see in a lot of new construction. Maybe that’s what it is. The rest of the kitchen bothers me. It looks so industrial. I wouldn’t expect to see this in a home. The materials look more like what you would find in a commercial cafeteria. The space is also enormous. You can tell that table was placed there to stage the picture since there’s no room for chairs. When they remove that table the kitchen must look cavernous. It needs an island badly. Where is the refridgerator by the way?

The Kuwaiti diet looks pretty close to what I’m used to. Too little meat though and those fish look like plastic. They carry a lot of bottled water. I see Kraft macaroni and cheese (don’t like it but it’s familiar). I see a bag of frozen french fries I could eat. I think I see ketchup and BBQ sauce in the lower left corner. There’s a stack of pitas I could get used to. I don’t know what that Kitco bag is filled with but it doesn’t seem scary. It’s probably just rice. All in all the food is much closer to Western than I would have guessed.

5. US: The Revis Family

I’m glad to have a US family I can compare my own diet to. Looks like the Revis enjoy some Pizza Hut (I’m basing that on the boxes. They look like Pizza Hut to me). Points off there because Pizza Hut is revolting. Even Domino’s schlock is better. The fruit and vegetable section seems to consist only of grapes (2 varieties) and two tomatoes. Okay I eat more fruit than that. Four people only drink one gallon of milk it seems (Don’t be fooled. The other two gallons are water. Compare the coloring). I use up a milk gallon in less than a week and I’m only one person. Those people cannot be getting enough calcium. They also drink a ton of sugary juice. There are 8 big jugs of it to the right. At least their meat portion seems right.

I also noticed some Uncle Ben’s instant rice on the counter. I feel not enough Americans know this so I’ll mention it here. Don’t waste your money buying that instant rice. Living with Asians has taught me it is incredibly easy and cheap to make normal rice. All you need to do is buy a rice cooker. Don’t complain about the price. Amazon sells 94 different ones between $0 and $24. Then you buy those giant size rice bags in the ethnic aisle of your supermarket. When you need to cook rice, scoop out your portion from the big bag and rinse it off in the sink. Throw the washed rice into your rice cooker, pour in enough water so the rice is covered but not drowned, put the lid on and press one button. Cooking cannot be easier. If you’re like most Americans that one big bag will last you a year and you’ll save money per portion over buying the name brand instant rice.

6. Mexico: The Casales Family

Oh dear, Mexicans really do love Coke. They have 12 two-liter bottles in the background. That’s more soda than the Americans! They do eat a lot of fruit and vegetables though. They have a whole table for that. Is that shrimp in that basin next to Mrs. Casales? I only see some sausages next to that shrimp so I’ll have to declare this another low meat diet. Looking at those tables I just don’t see much of what would fill me up. I have to have some kind of meat for lunch and dinner. I don’t see how I could keep that up here.

7. China: The Dong Family

It doesn’t seem like the Dongs eat much. It doesn’t seem like they drink much either. They have that water dispenser but I don’t know where the water is coming from – bottled or tap. Either way it doesn’t seem like it’s meant to dispense much. There are 4 juice bottles next to it and some cans in the center. They may not have much but that shredded pork with sweet and sour sauce sounds tasty. By the way did you notice the McDonald’s and KFC containers? No matter where you go in the world, we’re all united by a love of greasy, fried food.

8. Poland: The Sobczynscy Family

It looks like the Poles have a diet heavy on the vegetables. They must have two dozen carrots on that table. Looking to the extreme left, if those are yogurt containers, they sure eat a lot of it. That meal of pig knuckles with carrots, celery and parsnips…. Doesn’t that sound like soul food? Well, except for the parsnips. More notable than the food though is the patriarch’s facial expression. He definitely does not seem pleased to be on display for this photographer.

9. Egypt: The Ahmed Family

Okay I had no idea green peppers were so important to Egyptian food. And what are those white things next to them? Lots of vegetables and rice, and some shredded meat (probably beef). Nothing too surprising here.

10. Ecuador: The Ayme Family

Well this is a depressing display. I’m declaring this the second saddest family. Interestingly I think they have the biggest smiles of any family here. Now not only is the array of food so sparse, but look at their home. I’m not sure what that is. Is that a mud brick house? But getting back to the food, do you see any meat in there? It doesn’t even seem like they have a lot of vegetables. I think one of those sacks are filled with potatoes but the rest are some kinds of grain. They don’t even have fruits besides that pile of lemons. Oh and all of them seem to be sporting the national hat of Ecuador. How did that tradition get started?

11. US: The Caven Family

What’s really striking about the two American diets we’ve seen is how much processed food there is. I see a little bit of broccoli and three potatoes. There’s some bananas, apples and cherries in the background too. I see a package of ground beef and some chicken. Everything else on that counter is premade food such as the frozen pizza, those grocery store bagels (an affront to bagels btw), cookies scattered about, the tortillas and a big box of corn dogs. How odd is it that there are fountain cups of coke in the background too? Americans don’t make anything from scratch anymore do they? I don’t think I grew up with quite so much prepackaged food. We got our meat at a butcher shop. We bought fruit and vegetables, fresh, several times a week. Yeah I had cereal and peanut butter and all that, but I don’t think it was in the same proportion as I see on this table. It really surprises me because this looks like a very traditional family. I would be surprised to find out that mother works. I would expect she would spend more time cooking if she’s a stay-at-home mom.

12. Mongolia: The Batsuuri Family

Okay the only thing green on that table are those cucumbers. I have never seen so much meat in a residence before. Doesn’t it look like they butchered that animal themselves? It looks like there are organs in that collection. And wow check out all those eggs. Oddly enough my eyes are constantly drawn to that pile of bread in the background. Those round loaves looks like they’re hearty, crusty breads. Almost a meal unto themselves. I don’t really see many drinks. I think there are two beer bottles in the center of the table, but that’s it. And are those packs of cigarettes between the bottles?

13. UK: The Bainton Family

Aside from the different brand names, doesn’t this look pretty much the same as the American diet? They drink a hell of a lot more milk though. Look at the mantle. I think there are six one-gallon jugs. Oh there is one more difference. The Brits eat much more candy. Look at the huge package of Mars bars. I will give these people the award for grossest favorite food. Who eats a mayonnaise sandwich? Is it as plain as I’m imaging? Is it just mayo on bread, or does it come with other unnamed stuff?

14. Bhutan: The Namgay Family

This looks like a very traditional diet. Lots of vegetables and a big sack of, what I assume is, rice. I don’t know anything about cooking in Bhutan but I’m guessing stir fry is probably the most common way of preparing a meal. Can you identify those two baskets of red things in the center of the pile? Are those chilies? This must be some spicy stir fry. I can’t seem to find any meat in the pile though.

15. Germany: The Melander Family

Whoa, the Germans like to drink and it’s not even just beer. There certainly is more beer than I’ve seen elsewhere but there’s a ton of bottled water, wine and those cartons which could be filled with milk or juice. They really exercise their kidneys over there. They seem to be big fans of Yoplait as well. Contrary to stereotypes though is the lack of sausages. Are there any on the table? They may be in those plastic packages next to that plate of meat but I can’t say for sure.

I never thought I could find a food both disgusting but interesting at the same time. Yet here I am. That McDonald’s topped pizza came close. It seems like a bad idea, as in, I’ll drop dead after eating it. However the taste is probably alright. This is not in the same category.

A German company has created a canned cheeseburger. I don’t read German but it looks like the target market is backpackers, not the general public. I suppose this is a good idea for them. If you’re out in the woods for a week, this schlock probably does taste good.

However from here in my comfortable civilization, I can be a bit more discriminating. I just know this burger has to be completely soggy. Bread in a can cannot be any good. There’s no way it can resemble that picture by the way.

Fortunately a curious person at Something Awful took one for the team, and absorbed that 4 Euro price tag, and tried this burger. Check out the pictures. Isn’t that horrible looking? That cheese looks like snot and those pickles are a disgrace. I’d still try the burger though. It reminds of these microwave burgers I had as a child. The brand was named “Micromagic” I think. They were just terrible. The burger patty and bottom bun would come out soggy, but the cheese would always burn and top bun would harden into something very chalky. Yet I ate these often because they were so convienent.

Did I ever make a massive BLT today. I don’t usually eat this, but Safeway had a buy-one-get-one free sale on bacon. So of course I bought two packages. It looks almost comically large doesn’t it? It was a frickin’ great meal though. I slapped on nine slices of bacon with this one. I brought out some Cheese Nips to eat with it, but I had no need for them. Everything I wanted was between those buns.

And here’s Tyler feeling left out. His begging, or lack thereof, is getting much better. He barely bothers me when I’m sitting at the dining table. However when I try to eat anything in the living room, I have to plan for him crawling all over me.

What I am going to show you, may disturb you. Brace yourself for the McDonald’s pizza!

Someone out there decided to make a pizza using McDonald’s food as toppings. We have some cheeseburgers, McNuggets and fries on top. It doesn’t seem like a very practical pizza, and I mean that from a food engineering perspective, not a health one. The cheeseburgers are certainly too heavy for a slice. Those McNuggets look too thick to be a proper topping. Overly thick toppings overwhelm your tastebuds. The fries are the only thing that would be balanced.

Balanced or not I have no idea what this pizza, or even just a french fry pizza, would taste like. I would definitely try it though. I expect it would taste a little nasty but I want to do it on a daredevil level. I just want the experience and to be able to say I survived something so horrendous to my health.

Well maybe it won’t be so bad. Once I ordered a cheeseburger pizza from Dominoes. The toppings were ground beef and American cheese. Frankly, it was the best Dominoes pizza EVER. I know since it was Dominoes that doesn’t say much, but seriously it was tasty.

On my trip I had the good fortune for someone to take me to Economy Candy. This place is a total throwback. The first thing I said when I got there was, “Wow I bet this place has been around since the 30s!” Sure enough, the sign says “since 1937″.

That year was a really ballsy time to start a business. The economy had crawled for seven years prior but that year was when any small gains made were washed away. I wonder how the founder handled this. Did they open the shop at the start of the year with high hopes for a business recovery? They would have had a very rough start in that situation. Maybe they were cannier than I give them credit. Perhaps they invested in this business later in the year after everyone saw the economy slip into a new mess. With panic anew it would have been a good time to pick up bargains in store rent and supplies. I assume Economy Candy was founded by a single person, or maybe a partnership, because a local candy store hardly sounds like an investment for any business tycoon.

Now today’s signage is faux-vintage, but the interior is exactly what a local candy store should look like. It’s crammed wall-to-wall with candy. It’s piled up the walls towering out of your reach. If there was an earthquake you would be buried by boxes of candy. There’s so much you’re hardly able to move around. I walked very slowly while I was there because it would have been so easy to knock over a pile. That’s the other great thing about this place. Not only was the store brimming, but it was arranged pretty haphazardly. It’s certainly not the most efficient way to retail, but it does make for a satisfying visit. That jumble makes you feel like you’re going to find a hidden gem.

This turned into a sentimental visit for me because certain candies played such a prominent part in my childhood. I saw a good selection of candy sticks which really tempted me. The first time I had ever seen such a thing was in the gift shop at the botanical garden. The wild color combinations had me hooked. They looked like candy canes, but they weren’t! My dad bought me a few and whenever I see them I’m brought back to that memory. I didn’t buy any sticks on this trip though. I know now candy isn’t the best snack.

That didn’t stop me from picking up others though. I bought two tins of La Vie de la Vosgienne drops; one cherry flavored, the other assorted. Those hard candies were the ones my dad carried around. I always found the round tin interesting because I don’t think any other products used that kind of packaging. I thought they would make a nice breath freshener. On the flight back I could tell my breath was rank so I tried the cherry flavor. It was god-awful! I was so unprepared for the flavor, two seconds after I put the drop in my mouth, I shook my head as if I had been kicked in the face.

I also bought a box of chocolate covered jelly rings. I remember these being a common treat at home when I was a kid. I bought the box thinking it would be a nice piece of nostalgia when I went home. I’d share some with my mom and brother, and have a lovely family moment. Except it turns out they don’t like jelly rings. I could have sworn everyone ate these things back in the 80s, but I guess my memory is rose-tinted. So I ended up bringing them back to California and eating them myself. That turned out to be quite fortunate. When I got back here I had a lot of difficulty getting to the supermarket, so I was eating the jelly rings to keep from feeling hungry. The box actually lasted about a week.

My only regret is not getting some candy from the foreign section. I really intended to but it was at the front of the store and after the sensory overload of shopping there I completely forgot to walk back.

There was one type of candy I did buy that had nothing to do with nostalgia. I had heard of these, but this was the first time in my life I had seen them in person. Have you ever had a candy cigarette? I guess when I was growing up these things were on their way to becoming candy pariahs. So I picked up a pack. I actually hid this in my luggage when I got home. I’m pretty sure this being candy would be lost in my mother’s anti-cigarette yelling. This trip really was like going back in time.

So when I got back to California I tore open the pack to give them a try. I actually thought these things were supposed to be cigarette shaped gum that you chewed once you got sick of pretending they were real. These ones I bought were chocolate cylinders wrapped in white paper. The paper isn’t even edible. I tried chewing it with my first one and it tasted just like notebook paper. This is just crappy candy. The paper wrapper is even difficult to take off so getting to the chocolate is a nuisance. I don’t understand why anyone would bother with this. Candy cigarettes suck.

I’m struggling with some strange feelings, but I guess it’s not healthy to deny it. I kinda want to visit Dollywood.

I can blame all of this on an essay in The Economist. It argued Dollywood is a perfect lens to view rural America. Can’t say that I disagree. I very much enjoyed this paragraph:

Indigenous music is everywhere. In one corner is the Smoky Mountain String Band—three guys in blue dungarees with a banjo, fiddle and upright bass. In another is a bluegrass band called Naomi and the Wood Brothers. In Europe, exhibitions of traditional music and crafts tend to be subsidised and unpopular. At Dollywood, they are neither.

I am not a fan of bluegrass. I’m not even a Dolly Parton fan, at least not her singing or movie career. I am of course a fan of any woman with huge breasts. That’s not the reason I want to visit though. I’d like to go simply out of curiosity. What is there to do at Dollywood? The Economist essay said a lot about patriotism and religion at the park but nothing particular. Are there rollercoasters? Is it all shoddy carnival rides? Maybe Dollywood is like a Colonial Williamsburg of the Great Smoky Mountains.

The essay did talk about some truly heroic portions at the concession stands. Massive piles of fried appetizers are typically followed by a hefty entree of country fried steak. For dessert, nothing short of a 3 pound slice of apple pie a la mode. You just know at Dollywood it has to be a freshly made homestyle apple pie. The sort that has pockets of cinnamon that burst with flavor.

I’m a filthy liar. I just want to go for the pie; That sweet, sweet pie. The thought of that heaping pile of pie and ice cream makes me weak in my knees. Is it so wrong to travel for food?

So I went grocery shopping and happened upon this advertisement.

Just in case it’s too fuzzy for you, the sign says “Always the lowest price the state will allow on your 2-gallon purchase!”

I felt like I was in crazytown. The state regulates the cost of milk? I’m actually paying an inflated price for my milk because of some anonymous state bureaucracy? What in holy hell is going on? How is this justifiable?

Starting this summer my company has been generous enough to provide breakfast every Monday. It’s nothing too fancy. It started off with various pastries like danishes, strudel and occasionally donuts. Lately though the company has been ordering from the new Beard Papa franchise that’s opened up a few blocks away.

On the first day I was pretty excited. I wanted to try Beard Papa as soon as I found the fliers announcing the grand opening. I had read such raves about it online. So on that first day I really went for it. I think I ate four cream puffs – two vanilla and two chocolate. But remember that was the first day. More cream puffs were bought and as I ate more, I learned that Beard Papa sucks. The chocolate is too bitter. The vanilla is too sweet. The puffs are simply overstuffed. Sure you feel like you’re getting more for your money but I’m past the point in life when I want to make a mess of myself when I eat.

This Monday was the end. I took a chocolate covered vanilla cream puff and I couldn’t even bother finishing that crap. I ate half and just threw the rest away. This week who ever orders for the company breakfast decided to get a little creative and ordered the green tea cream puffs. Do they look appetizing to anyone? When I saw a box of these, I thought we just had moldy ones.

By the way, the cheesecake sticks suck too.